I volunteered in Matt's classroom last Monday. The kids and I worked with socks full of change - pennies, nickles, dimes, and quarters. We talked about what each was worth, we sorted and counted our change, and found other activities that allowed the kids to explore the value of money - for example, I gave them two quarters and asked that they give me the same amount of money using different coins.
When Matt came off the bus Tuesday, he shared that he 'found' four quarters at school... on the playground. Having just been in the classroom (with a box full of money socks) the day before, I was immediately suspicious of his windfall. He insisted that he just happened to find these four quarters at recess. Told me that several times.
And then, an hour or so later, he cracked. Admitted that they really came out of the socks in his classroom.
For me, this became one of those great teachable moments you both hope for as a parent and you are deathly afraid of. Clearly the lesson is that we do not take things that don't belong to us and it's something that we've talked about casually many times over the years. I immediately recognized that I needed the punishment to have meaning, to leave a lasting impression. But at the same time, I didn't want to make it something that would leave him afraid to come to me and tell me the truth... I recognize there are much bigger battles coming in the years ahead.
While he lost the Wii and he lost time outside with his friends, I thought it was most important for Matt to take the money back to school and to let his teacher know that he took it from the sock. As soon as I told him this, the tears started. "I'll get in trouble." Oh, buddy, you don't know what trouble is...
I find it interesting that he was more worried about the trouble he would get into at school than he was about the trouble he was in at home. I'm sure that says something about my parenting skills, and not likely in a good way.
Matt cried for a good half hour. Just sat on my lap, arms around my neck and cried.
While I felt bad that he was clearly scared about what he needed to do, I also thought I'd found the perfect punishment. It's important that he learn to be accountable for his actions, even at a young age. I am a bit of a softy though... I offered to drive him to school Wednesday morning and go with him to talk to his teacher. I didn't want him to be afraid, but more importantly, I wanted him to know that even when he does something wrong, I still love him and he has my support.
Ms. Clair was great. She told Matt that she recognized how hard it must have been to come to her and tell her the truth and she was very proud of him. She also let him know that it's important to tell grown-ups the truth and reinforced the idea that when you tell the truth, even when it's scary, grown-ups can help you.
When the kids got off the bus Wednesday afternoon, I packed them into the car and took them out to Fun Unleashed. I wanted to let Matt know that I was very proud of him... that with crime comes punishment, but doing the right thing brings reward.
He was afraid. But, he faced it. He had a very scary conversation with his teacher not knowing what would come of it. I hope that in the end, he learned that even the really scary things we face growing up are not as bad as we imagine they will be...
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