Happy Birthday, Matt!

Sometimes I sit down to write knowing exactly what it is that I want to say but having no idea how to actually get the words onto the page in a reasonably articulate way.  I type, delete, type, delete, over and over again until the words finally start to come.

This is one of those posts.  

Tomorrow is Matt's 7th birthday.  Seven. (Wow!  How did that happen?)  His arrival in my life sometimes seems like it was just yesterday and sometimes seems like it was a lifetime ago.

At this time of year, I cannot help but to reflect back on the two years I wanted a child but could not have one.  To think about the toll that infertility took on my life and my marriage.  To think about how I both joyfully and somewhat sorrowfully watched family and friends so easily do something that I could not do.  And I cannot help but remember the spring morning back in 2004, just weeks before I was scheduled for my first IVF cycle, when I knew that my life was going to change, but did not yet understand just how much.

January 11, 2005

Seven years ago I gave birth to a son: Richard Matthew Cropp, born at 11:29 am, weighing 7 lbs. 3oz. 

Within hours of his arrival, I began to learn about the strength and determination of a mother.  There were complications with our delivery and Matt was left under an oxygen tent, with an IV of sugar water keeping his blood sugars stable. Wanting to see and hold and nurse my baby, I was out of bed eight hours after his delivery - IV pole and catheter bag and nurse who wanted me to stay put be damned.  By the time the doctors made rounds the following morning, I'd been down to the nursery three times to see him.

The seven years since then haven't always been easy.  When friends choose not to have children, I totally understand.  While I love both my children, there are times I wistfully imagine what life might look like if that whole infertility thing really stuck.  If it weren't just a bump in the road or a test to see just how badly I really wanted this whole motherhood thing.  I think about all the amazing places I may have traveled to or the really awesome car I might have parked out in the garage or the really fancy shoes that might be sitting in my closet.

Instead, I've spent my money on diapers and overpriced daycare, swimming lessons and soccer seasons, amusement parks and fancy dinners at McDonalds.  I've made sacrifices (both big and small) over the years, some of which I am sure the kids can see and some they may never really know about or understand.

I've learned that I have a much larger capacity to love unconditionally than I ever would have though possible before I became a mother.

Matt's at an age now where he is great fun to be with.  He's kind and funny and smart and inquisitive.  He's adventurous and outgoing.  He cheers for all the right sports teams (and the Pittsburgh Steelers) and is becoming a good athlete himself.

December 31, 2011

A few nights ago, as we were laying in bed talking (my favorite part of our bedtime routine), Matt asked about the local food bank and let me know that he'd like to use part of the WalMart gift card he received for selling Boy Scout popcorn this fall to buy food for the food bank.  My heart melted that he'd think selflessly about others even at a young age and I hoped this meant that we were doing something right. 

I am lucky to know him and even luckier that he is mine.  Without question, my life is better because of him.

Happy birthday, Matt!